The Pre-Semester Email Purge...and other shit...

I feel, lost, a lot. I spent the better part of a decade without medication for my diagnosed case of "Severe Depression" otherwise known as Major Depressive Disorder. One of the side effects of letting this disorder run rampant is it pretty much starts to erode brain functionality, most importantly memory. Memory is important to me, possibly more than most, because I can relive those moments with absolute clarity, the smells, the sounds, all of my senses are back with me in the moment of memory.

Since getting my meds adjusted as needed and staying on them regularly some memories have returned. But like anything in life nothing works the way you want, and what has been happening is that my long term storage is finally coming back online slowly, while my short term storage is suffering from power draws due to the long term coming back online, so I am getting the long term back, but my short term is mostly useless right now.

This is one of the reasons why I never wanted to attempt to work, even part time, and go to school, because my memory is in such a state of flux that I don't want to risk losing important data.

But now I am pushing myself to do just that.

I work in a call-center, 40+ hours a week, 10.5 an hour, 15.75 ot, and love/hate it, but the pay is damn good for sitting on my ass all day.

A couple weeks ago I realized I have quite a bit of downtime in small spurts and told myself to lug my backpack to work, and instead of drawing or coloring, or designing Sudoku puzzles for the rest of the employees to enjoy, I need to do my homework. Suddenly it seemed way less stressful. So I have a plan and I will see it through.

So, tonight I purged.

I have a habit of skimming my email, reading the important ones, and just leaving the unread ones to digitally molder. This is not conducive to good conduct during the semesters because shit gets lost, so I did my purge, and already I feel just a little bit more prepared.

There were over 4000 emails in just the promotions tab, like for fuck sake. All gone now, save the read/important ones in my main inbox.

In the time since I last posted, I have left the church, willingly and with a heavy heart, because the old white patriarchal men running the church have lost their way, and I refused to be led by them like a sheep to slaughter.

I have embraced my true gender and sexuality, I am mostly male presenting (I paint my nails), Pansexual, Pangender. Also a Unicorn.

My wife and I reached a point where we finally dissected what my relationship hang ups were, and realized that I was Polyamorous the entire time, but I was letting societal bullshit tamp it down. Also realized my father probably was too, because some of his behaviors seem indicative of someone who is capable and willing to love multiple partners.

Oh yeah, and I am starting my final year, ever, at IUSB as I finish up my Masters in Creative Writing.

I started this path late in the game, but I still feel accomplished getting my masters at 32, sure it could have been in my twenties, but then all of the things that shaped me in the interim wouldn't have happened, and I kind of like who I am now...most days anyway. :P

Cheers,

Chris

(Hopefully I will turn this blogging thing into a habit)

So...I made a thing...for the internets...

CLASSMATES (and Prof maybe) ASSEMBLE!

Step 1: Go Here: https://www.facebook.com/1985VintageGeek/posts/10153342916542018?pnref=story

Step 2: Make with the funny!

Step 3: Get in my book...not my belly!

Step 4: ???

Step 5: Profit!

Photo Post!

This is my current workspace (and Playspace). I decided not to pick up first to actually show how I keep my desk and not be all phony with a perfectly clean desk. Note, I know where everything is on the desk that I may need. Messy is a type of organized dammit.

 And this is a photo I took that I like very much. Can you tell what it is?

Why?

I opened my stats
a stat nerd you might say
in my tired haze
my classmates wave

the majority of views
and click-throughs
all arrive via a book
which is currently

exploding

but a small incongruity
stares at me from the bottom
of a list of sites
from which they were

referred to mine
a book exploding
sixteen plus times
and one from

google.co.uk

Everything I Know Up Until Now

I looked down and there was the son
I never had, his face reminding me of a katydid in spring,

young and full of spirit ready to pounce upon
the day in his blue jeans. We stood staring at each

other for a time in which we just studied each other
our faces and souls. In me there was no doubt

never pregnant but this boy was mine I crouched down and
took his hand, warm and small, in mine and said "I'm Annabelle."

In which I read and rate four poems...

These poems come from the 2015 Pushcart Prize Best of the small presses.

I order these by preference of would read again, to good god don't make me read it again.

1. Why we must support PBS by Bob Hicok

I really enjoyed this one because the absurdity of the imagery is astounding and makes sense since the narrator seems to be drifting off to sleep, lord knows I have heard some strange shit on TV while tired.

2. Rape Joke by Patricia Lockwood

Wow! This one, it hits like a semi, you want to laugh the entire way through because you can tell its better than remembering the suffering the narrator went through. This poem may have changed me just a bit.

3. John Clare by Michael Dickman

Woof! This one is long and full of intense images, the length kills it for me though. I may never get the image of kids kissing dogs full on the mouth out of my head any time soon.

4. "Too many pigeons to count and one dove" by Mary Szybist

Hate to put her at the bottom because I have met her and enjoy a lot of her poetry, but this one the form just kept derailing me. All I can tell you without looking again is that there are time stamps...and a poem too...but mostly I remember the time stamps.

(Note: Could not find an online version of Mary's poem...so I linked her profile instead...)

For Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett is not the man who made me love writing, he is not the man who made me choose Science Fiction and Fantasy as my preferred genre to both read and write, but he is the man. He is the man who made me realize that sometimes a story can be so profoundly off the wall and still make you look at your own life in retrospect.

He is the man that turned a world into a disc, put it on the backs of four (used to be five) elephants, and then put THEM on the back of a giant turtle swimming throughout the cosmos. He did this, but still made you think about the issues facing Earth while reading about this world that was nothing like our own, yet somehow made us view ours differently.

He is the one who made me imagine a man in wet copper armor standing proudly on the top of a hill shouting at the top of his lungs that "ALL GODS ARE BASTARDS!" and being potentially struck by lightning.

He is the man who made me write, and not just the dark gritty SciFi and the High Fantasy stuff I thought was the best, he is the man who made me create sometimes ridiculous worlds, and fill them with characters who make you laugh and look inward all at once.

He is the man that I fought tooth and nail for a chance to go see in person.

I saw him, and in a brief moment of clarity he saw me, I never thought I would have a more memorable moment than when he answered my previously submitted question. Then I came home. Sir Pratchett suffers from Posterior Cortical Atrophy, as I learned from one of his documentaries it is a rare case of Alzheimers in which he can fill a cup with tea, place it on his counter, turn around, and when he turns back he doesn't see the cup anymore. It did not move, it is still there, he just literally no longer sees it. Because of this he no longer recognizes social cues, if you wave at him, he will not see it, it is one of the many reasons why he rarely saw fans at readings after his 'embuggerance' began to affect him.

I took photos that night, lots of photos to remember being in the presence of a master of writing.

Most photos were like this:

He is talking and looking at his assistant. But as I filtered through them to post them to my Facebook I found this one:

I may have just described his condition to you, but to me, I had learned everything I could about this man and his disease, so this photo floored me, like absolutely gobsmacked. A joke was said, I was laughing with the camera in front of my face taking pictures, and he saw me, he looked right at my camera, and I caught it.

Today I learned this man had to cancel an appearance in the UK at a convention because of his embuggerance has caught up with him. As a man who has adamantly refused to allow his disease to claim him, desiring only to accept death on his own terms, this can only mean one thing.

This man is getting ready to sit in his backyard on his own terms and greet death warmly with a handshake.

The day is coming when this man will no longer walk this Earth.

I do not look forward to this day.

I will never look forward to this day.

But I know it is coming and that is a comfort.

I will grieve for this man, harder than I would have thought, and it will affect me profoundly.

I suspect my future writings will include a man in all black, with a dry wit, and piercing eyes.

The Legend of Sir Brenner

(I wrote this for a class, but I re-read and like it a lot, so I am sharing)

The Legend of Sir Brenner

            As Sir Gawain rode from court to find the Green Knight, the young Sir Brenner took a seat by Arthur. “My Liege” he began “with the brave Gawain off to see to that monster that tried to defile your court. I feel it is my duty to remind you who it was who told you this would happen.” The young knight prepared to speak but was interrupted by Arthur. “I know Sir Brenner, I know. Just as you predicted, a knight came, larger than any man, and just as you predicted he was inhuman.” Arthur adjusted himself and looked out over the court that was currently making itself merry, cheering for Gawain, and for all those lost, the revelry was needed for morale, but considering one of his own knights predicted this Arthur felt himself unnerved. “How is it, Sir Brenner, you come to know things before they happen?” Arthur turned back to the young black haired knight as he asked this. Sir Brenner looked around the room with his almost golden yellow eyes before looking back to the King. “I listen well, my king, to everything around me, not just the people, but the land” he glances around “everything has a voice if you are willing to listen to it brave King. I was taught as a young child by my grandmother, who some believed to be a witch, if it were not for my brave father, she would have been burned” he notices Arthur’s response and smiles “fear not brave King, for I am loyal to you and only you, none of that strange aloofness like that of the fey Queen Mab, or Morgan Le Fay.”

            “For that I am glad Sir Brenner” Arthur looks around before continuing “you are very brave to use those names in my court, for there are some knights here who may think speaking of them equals treason.” Young Brenner began to laugh as he grabbed a goblet and took a drink. “Serving you to my fullest is my only desire great King, and if it means not to sully your image” he lowers his voice to that of barely a whisper “I will keep my ears to the ground, and make sure no one knows of my knowledge of the more, sensitive, nature.”

            The party began to wind down in the court, and Knights began to disperse, as Sir Brenner was leaving he heard a familiar hail from behind. He turned to see Sir Gareth approaching; Sir Gareth was one of the few Knights of the Round who would actually talk to him most of the time, which puzzled Brenner to no end, as Sir Gareth never really talked to anyone. “Hail, Sir Gareth, what can I do for you this fine evening?” Sir Gareth embraced him heartily before speaking. “There were murmurs in the Court because of you again Brenner, many wonder how you can keep Arthur’s ear so tied up without being Guinevere herself in armor?” Brenner laughed at the assumption. “If they want to assume that the Queen has invaded their Court, we can allow them to chatter on about it like women themselves.” Gareth grabbed his hand, and the moment they locked wrists a vision hit Brenner like a kick to the chest from a stubborn mule.

            The vision that hit him involved Gareth, he sees Gareth being slain, by another Knight, he could not see it clearly, which as his visions usually go, meant the event was still too far away to see everything clearly. He never learned to control the visions, so according to his grandmother he was not a seer like her, but if he touched someone, sometimes he could glimpse what would occur in their future. He saw the arrival of the Green Knight months before it occurred, but could not tell the Knight was in fact green until about a week before. He learned to deal with the inaccuracies of his visions, and knew that he should not reveal them until things could be seen clearly. He was roused by Sir Gareth shaking him. “Sir Brenner, Sir Brenner! Are you ok?” Gareth sounded frightened, and Brenner stood up from the ground, he had fallen, that meant the vision was far too shocking for his system. He took Gareth by the hand, heartily slapped him on the shoulder and responded. “I am fine Sir Gareth, I just, suddenly felt ill. I might have had too much to drink this evening.” Gareth gave him a concerned once over before saying their goodbyes.

            Sir Brenner returned to his home, and sunk into a chair before a fire that his servant started before he arrived. Suddenly a chair moved up next to his, and an older gentleman sat down. “What is it I owe this fine evening for a visit from the legendary Merlin?” The man grabs a goblet from the nearby table and drinks from it smiling. “I can never surprise you little raven. Did you see me coming this time? Or have I become that predictable?” Brenner stood up and began to remove the bits of plate-mail he could without assistance. “You do have a habit of showing up whenever I have a vision, but more importantly I saw you in the shadows the moment I walked through the door. Stealthy you are not my friend.”  Merlin laughed at the remark. “Well my friend, I unfortunately am here to talk of matters of grave importance.” Sir Brenner looks into the fire and collects his memory before speaking “I saw Sir Gareth die. I am not sure yet the murderer, but I know he was a knight, and I am certain he is of the round table.” Merlin took a drink “Grave news indeed young raven, your eyes see far, and your ears hear all. Unburden yourself with this task, for I have a favor to ask. I need you to look forward into Arthur’s future for me. I have brought a lock of hair of course.” Merlin pulled the lock of hair from his robes and hands it to Brenner. Brenner takes it into his hand and rubs it between his fingers, and then is struck by that mule again.

            There is a battlefield and two opposing armies, Arthur is leading the charge from one side, and the other is a black mark on his vision. The fighting is fierce and many lives are lost. He watches as Arthur picks up a spear and plunges it through the black mark looking both troubled and relieved. Sir Brenner is about to look away when the black mark grabs the spear and forces himself further onto it until he is an arm’s length away from the King. A sword flashes and Arthur is struck upon the helmet, and blood flows from his temple. The King is mortally wounded. And then as quickly as it began, Sir Brenner is staring at the flame from his hearth. Sweat drips from his brow as he looks at Merlin with fear in his eyes. “Arthur, the King, you must tell him to never wield a spear in combat, his very life depends on it, I have seen it with my own eyes Merlin. I have seen the King die, but his murderer is hidden from my sight” He knew in his heart the vision was farther into the future than that of Sir Gareth’s death, but everything but the murderer were clear “you, you aided in my vision didn’t you, you allowed me to pierce clearly into the future.” Merlin looked gravely at his friend. “That I did, and yet even with my help you could not see the murderer. That is a very grave problem. I will tell Arthur of his future, and we must pray he abides our call.” Merlin stands and puts his hand on Sir Brenner’s shoulder “You stay safe my friend, and once again my raven companion has come in handy.” Sir Brenner embraced Merlin. The two then walked to the front door of Brenner’s home, and the chill of the night air wrapped around them when Brenner opened the door. Brenner nodded to Merlin and Merlin disappeared just as quickly as he came.

            “Quite the unusual Visitor for this hour, and this person” a voice said from the dark “what does Merlin want with you, Sir Brenner.” Sir Brenner searched for the source of the voice, and Mordred stepped out of the darkness. “Mordred, why do you come to my home at this hour?” Sir Brenner said without offering entrance to his home. “Why Sir Brenner, no hospitality towards a fellow Knight, whatever have I done to you to cause such disrespect?” Sir Brenner winced as his chivalry was questioned; begrudgingly he stood to the side of his door and motioned Mordred inside. Mordred nodded and grasped Sir Brenner’s hand and Brenner suddenly was back on the battlefield, and the dark spot was in sharp relief, it was Mordred. Mordred died, and as a final act killed Arthur. Brenner’s nose began to bleed as Mordred looked on in shock. “It…it’s you. You will betray our King, why would you betray Arthur?” Mordred’s face falls, and suddenly there was death in his eyes. “My reasons are my own, and now you know too much.” Sir Brenner looked at Mordred, there was a flash of steel, and his vision went dark.

            Sir Brenner was found the next day by Sir Gareth, both Sir Brenner and his servant were found beheaded. A ceremony was held in his honor and his friends wept at the loss of their dear little raven. Unfortunately Sir Brenner’s vision would come to pass, and his beloved King would die at the hands of Mordred the Dark Spot on the Legend that was Arthur. After returning from that bloody field, Sir Bedivere would tell anyone who would listen, about the battle, about his King, and most importantly about how with one of his last Earthly breaths Arthur had said “I have seen a Raven this day, black as night, with golden eyes that could pierce your soul, he has witnessed my folly, if only I had listened to him when I had the chance.”

The Re-Beginning

HOLY CRAP.

That is how I feel right now, like a whole load of that. New Semester, new goals, lots of other shit.

While this blog will be my home for writing/musing and what not, every once and a while I will rant about my life, it is part of who I am, so nyeh.

In the past month or so, my life has changed, I have started on a new diet of sorts, it is really just eating healthier, my roommate moved to California, I became single for the first time in two and a half years. That last part was a blow, but I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and moved on...sorta. ^_^

My classes this semester are desperately  lacking in English courses, the reason for this is my fault mostly. I did not have a good advisor until last semester, so before then, not knowing what to do, I took every English course I could. The result, 2 years or so to go until Graduation, and only 2 English Classes left to take. For those of you who love the language like I do, yes that was a gasp worthy moment, needless to say, I am taking all the other crap right now.

I am taking Biology 101, Social Dance, Racquetball, German 101, and COAS-Q110.

Social Dance and Racquetball are keeping me more active than I have been in a long time. Hopefully this will equal some sort of weight loss.

Biology is making me have flashbacks to High School, as is German but for a different reason.

Q110 is a waste...especially considering all of the other classes I have already taken.

My writing is on the back burner, but that burner is still on. I still have work I need to do on Bricks and Mortar, a new story I am formulating almost daily, a reading coming up where I will be reading a steampunk re-telling of the Greek myth of Pandora and her box...or at least her creation, and my long novel that I have been working on since High School still begs to have more work done.

This is my life now, hopefully it does not kill me, at least not until I get something published.

For those readers new, Welcome, for those old, Welcome Back. This is Me, this is what I am, and this is Leather Bound Spine.

Like a character...evolving.

I find it interesting, that the more I further my education the more I realize about myself as a person.

As I write my Novella for class, Bricks and Mortar, I find my story evolving, and yet, at the same time I realize that I myself am evolving along with it. Maturity may be a part of it, or maybe this is like some messed up version of that Will Farrel movie, Stranger than Fiction, except instead of someone else writing my life, I am.

Of course that makes me wonder if that movie was a novel first...it might be...need to find out at some point.

My character in Bricks and Mortar took a turn I wasn't expecting, and the very next week suddenly I was taking a different path in life. Granted while my character's turn may not be like mine, I find the symmetry of it all fascinating.

Bricks and Mortar is coming along nicely, and I really am proud of it, as I am of myself, and am looking forward to the day I get it published, either self, or professionally. As I am also looking forward to the day I become the person this new path is leading me, so that I can show that to the world also.

Planeswalker Sundays

On Sundays from here on out will be "Planeswalker" days, where I go a bit off topic, to delve into the other worlds my imagination inhabits when not working on a book/paper/randomness (holy crap 5 more pages due for my Novella "Bricks and Mortar" this week). Most of these worlds are provided by my love of gaming, some of them by other books I have read, and sometimes I may just post a random blog about a new story idea. My mind is never in one world for long before it moves on to the next, so hang on it will be a bumpy ride.

Today, I will be discussing one of my favorite hobbies and favorite places to go, The Multiverse created by Wizards of the Coast for their trading card game Magic: the Gathering.


I have been playing this game off and on since I was 7, or for those of you who actually play the game, I have been playing since Revised was a new release. Jeez that dates me a bit.

My favorite part about this game has always been the story-lines the guys and gals working at Wizards R&D create for this game, and as a person with a huge imagination this game plays right into it. You build a deck of spells and creatures that you, taking on the mantle of "Planeswalker", can cast and summon to try and defeat your foes. (You have been playing too much magic if you know what is coming at you when I say "Catch!") While at the same time you take part in these immense, deep stories they create.

Stories so deep that in fact I become very much a part of them in my own mind. I fought along side Urza, and Teferi, and the entire crew of the Weatherlight, I helped fend back the hordes of oncoming Phyrexians, and helped to expel them from my home on Dominaria. And while Dominaria is healing, from its fourth brush with apocalypse, I discover that Mirrodin is suffering from its own Phyrexian problems, so I vow to help them in any way I can.

For those of you who play you know what that means...it mean I have picked a side in this war, I am a friend of the Mirran's and an enemy to the corruption of the Phyrexian Horde.

We Will Endure!

(Thank you for following along with this Tangent and I hope to see you here next Sunday for what could potentially be yet another random tangent.)

O Inverted World.

from http://www.vladstudio.com/

I love this picture. Always have, probably always will. This is a rather unique view of our planet that we lovingly inhabit. It shows our world, but its a new world isn't it, and it simply did one thing, land and sea have swapped places. It has been done to look like an old cartographers map, not one of those new fangled ones you can find anywhere on the internet. This is new, and yet, this is old. This is a perfect example of who I am and what my blog is.

I am steam-punk at heart, and my heart runs on steam, this aesthetic that I prefer drives me to live somewhere on the boundary of what is new, and what is old. Loving an old world, and embracing new broad horizons, that is my goal. But the most important part is that I never let go of the old, I guess I am a vintage pack rat of a sort, though I wouldn't be caught dead being an actual pack-rat/hoarder.

And at the same time this is why I love books, especially the old ones, not only do they take you to new worlds. Usually where only one simple thing is different from our own. But the age of the book itself leads us down the dark forgotten pathways of our past. In books we discover new worlds, and in old books we discover both those new worlds, and the world the previous owner left behind.

And that, is why I prefer my leather bound spines.

Why Leather Bound Spine?

No I am not a member of a shady BDSM club, so put that out of your mind right now.

Leather Bound Spine, refers to the spine of a good old book, as real leather is rarely used anymore. The title was chosen because as a reader, and a writer, I prefer real books, in this blog you will never hear me talking about the latest 'Kindle Edition' of a book I have read. I strongly dislike this move towards technology, now don't get me wrong, I LOVE technology, I build my own computers, I upgrade constantly, and my phone has the most recent version of Android (2.2 Froyo) which makes me very happy. But I really love books, especially the old ones. My best friend got me a 70-80 year old edition of Robinson Crusoe for my birthday, and a 100 year old edition of Hamlet for Christmas. And even though Crusoe and Hamlet aren't necessarily my most favorite books, the fact I own editions that old makes me giddy. I even love the smell of old books, my friend and I are actually taking the time to develop our sense of smell to determine the age of a book, my friend can guess withing about 10 to 20 years, but his nose is more developed than mine as I usually get as close as about 40 to 50. Yeah, we are dorks.

So, that is me, and this is my blog. Thank you for visiting, and if you stick around, welcome to my world, its both new and old, and I enjoy it here.

Oh, and by the way, if you think my friend and I are crazy with our nose training, I would like to point you to an article from Wired magazine that discusses the science behind it. You can find the article here.

Advanced Fiction Writing Pre-Class Discussion

Got into a discussion about fonts today, which considering some of the other topics that have come up before Advanced Fiction, it is a rather tame one. But it started when a classmate friend of mine, who shall remain nameless until he reads this and say yay or nay about name usage from here on out, became a little flustered when he realized he didn't switch from his preferred font to Times New Roman on his printouts for class, the name of the fonts which as my memory usually does, escapes me right now, this made me feel like I should have a preferred font to make myself seem more intelligent, and considering the fact I used to have one, Papyrus (yes, yes, I know terrible font...second only to comic sans), and my phobia of picking a critically panned font because of my last choice. (Most are now asking themselves "What kind of moron likes Papyrus?") I decided I would pick one that could neither be used in scholarly type works, and doesn't even come on a computer standard. I picked Exocet, which has been used in such places as, Planescape: Torment (Video Game), Planescape source books for D&D, and Diablo 1 and 2 (Video games made by Blizzard Entertainment). While my choice may seem odd because I do not like it because of its spacing, or neatness of lines, I am at least comfortable knowing that it has in fact been in print, the aforementioned D&D sourcebooks, it does not come standard, and not EVERYONE hates it.

For those of you interested in seeing, and/or using, this font, it can be found here.

An example can be found at this website if you don't want to download it, they use it on their leftmost sidebar headings.